Summer School Stories
by Ricky Knight
June-July, 2002
Tea and Crumpets
     Crash! A large wave deposited three bodies on the sandy shore.
     "Where are we? And where have my pants gone?" one of them said, her face in the sand.
     "Don't be silly, Jill," Beth replied, "we're on the same stinking island we've been on for probably a week, now."
     Jill pulled herself to her feet, and her eyes widened in amazement. "Wow! It's just like--"
     "Cast Away." Toney interrupted "Yes, I know, we've been through this a DOZEN times. No, we don't have a volley ball. No, we didn't find a corpse. No, we're not going to get ourselves cut up. And no, our ship did not sail very well, as you can now see." He seemed to have the entire lecture memorized by now.
     Jill sighed and reached into her pocket, pulling out a cell phone. She was just about to dial a number, when suddenly...
Pop Fly
     "Hot dogs! Get 'em while they're hot!" Maxwell hollered. He plodded up one step, then another. "Hot dogs!" he repeated. He hoped Tina was having more luck selling sodas. At least the weather was nice. Yes, this was perfect weather for a baseball game.
     "You, sir," someone called. Max looked around, to find a shadowy figure down the stairs pointing at him. "I'll take a hot dog." Max descended into the darkness. "But first, I need to talk to you. Please, come this way." Max did as he was told, not wanting to lose an eagar customer. They walked down the hallway, where the air was damp and cool. The man stopped, and held out the payment.
     "Who are you," Max asked, as he took the money, "and what would you like on your dog?"
     "Mustard will be fine," the man smiled, and hungrily snatched the food item, "and my name is Sam."
     Max was stunned. "You mean Sam? THE Sam? The famous now-retired film star Sam?" Sam nodded. "Wow, it's an honor to meet you, sir. What brings you here?"
     "Well, you see that man over there?" Sam pointed, and Max looked to see a dark figure waving back at him. Max nodded. "His name is Derek, and he was sent here to kill me. I need you to take this gun and protect me." He handed Max a revolver.
     "Well, OK, I guess." Max set down his hot dog tray, pulled back the hammer, aimed, and squeezed the trigger. Derek slumped to the ground, his hand grasping his chest. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a young man appeared with a notepad, along with a young lady with a camera. He shook Max's hand.
     "Hello, I'm Jeff from the Somewhat Inexpensive Press. You've just saved the day! Tell me, sir, how does it feel?" The woman snapped a picture of the smiling Max.
Title to be Decided
     With the efficacy of an old woman, Mark removed the toaster pastry from the microwave. "Caution: contents may be hot!" he read. He decided it would be distasteful not to heed this warning.
     "Now for another whimsicle anecdote..." Jim continued. Mark was suddenly deciding to be perversely obstinate. He took his steaming pastries in hand, and turned tail. "Mark! Are you really willing to annul our newly found friendship?"
     Mark turned back to look at him and spoke, crumbs flying from his mouth. "I shall indifferently leave you now." Mark was determined to end this crazy life. He stepped out the door and leapt from the varandah. He ran towards his house and never looked back.
Stan's Sudan
     The summers of my youth were spent in forests of oak. I can still remember it well. On back porches, where screen doors slammed in the darkness, sat two old ladies. They would always attack us with their vast array of fruits and vegetables. Freshly cut lemons squirted their acidic juices in my unprotected eyes. I told my mom, but she thought I was imagining the women.
     When I couldn't go outside, I would watch Batman, my favorite show. The television program reminded the adults of growing up in the country. They wouldn't let me watch it anymore after I beat up my sister.
     One summer, when I was seven or eight, my uncle let us take care of his pet camel. His name was Albert, and we took him travelling with us. While we were driving through Kentucky, we could see the remains of several hut villages. On both sides of the highway, wreckage from the tornado damage could be found. What a crazy state.
     Summers were the best. Even though my grandmother was very old, she could do backflips like nobody's business. I can still remember the summer that she died. Cupcakes that tasted like cornbread nearly made me puke, as I'm awfully allergic to corn. Grandmay, however, wasn't so lucky. But no matter where we go, it's always the same. Summers in many different kinds of places remind me of the summers of my youth.
Kelly's Magic Day
     Kelly needed money, for she had no job. She had to walk to the bank, for her car was in the shop. While she was there, she withdrew $60, and she put it in her purse. This would have to last her three days, so she decided against purchasing clothing. She had eaten only two hours ago, yet her stomach grumbled. She could either ignore it, or find sustinance. She would've used her better judgement, but she was completely famished.
     Kelly could no longer walk, nor could she move her arms. She cried out for help, but nobody came to her aid. She waited, yet still, nobody came. Her stomach grumbled once more, and her head began to ache. Was she going to keep waiting for help, or would she try to find a way to save herself? A man walked past her, so she grabbed his leg. Some strange magical teleport appeared, and neather Kelly, nor the man, were ever seen again.
"EXPLOSIONS BURNED MY FACE OFF"
     Bo, Bob, and Bill were brothers. Being brothers, as they were, they all enjoyed fishing. They just loved catching big, brown, wild bass. One day, when the sun was bright, they all took down to the river. They brought gear, food, and drinks with them. Bob, being the masterful chef that he is, made all the sandwiches. Bo, having the most money, bought the soda. Bill had to settle for bringing the fishing poles, lures, hooks, and other assorted gear. The bright, hot summer sun beat down upon them. The river was wide, cold, and deep. By the time they got to it, the white, pale moon had already begun to rise. Cat tails, dragonflies, and bullfrogs surrounded them. After a few hours, huge, cold, splashing fish filled their buckets. Having met their quota, four whole bucketfulls, the boys went home. You can be assured that Bo, Bill, and Bob had a fine dinner the next day.
30 Day Limited Warranty
There was a man with a paper bag, he bought himself success,
The guy from whom he purchased it guaranteed it was the best.
He took it home and pulled it out, he named the thing "Jamed Dean".
A little bed he fashioned him, he found it rather keen.
But James was not content to sleep, 'twas incredibly dull to him,
And so he lept into the water, to find he could not swim.
His master cried and called to him, but success was swallowed by sea,
So the man went to see the dealer about that money-back guarentee.
Dumb De Dum Dum...
     John tersely ascended the second story of stairs. Through the many apertures in the walls, he could see the local conveyances moving to and fro on the streets below. He was very dexterous, climbing like a cat, but after three more fleights, his movements became more haphazard. Ostensibly, time had finally caught up with him. In this world of hypocrisy, his haugty ways were not to be taken lightly. The charades would now end. Before he could comprehend the moment, he staggared, almost diametrically, and trumbled down that which brought him up. What a supercilious old man. What's that old aphorism? "Cat got your tongue"? Well, anyway, let's hear you cry for help now. That's right. I'm still alive, you pathertic excuse for a loser. Catch me if you can.
Bees Make Honey
     Ketchup covered the formica table top. It would take a whole ream of paper towel to clean it up. The devastation was too much for the indignant Bill.
     "This is horrible!" Jane screamed. How did this fiasco start? Who is to take reproach?" Her mouth was gaping wide at the scene before her.
     "I did not mean for this betrayal to occur! I swear to you, I've never lamented before as much as I am now!" Bill began to cry. "I will tell you how it all started." Bill began to speak, almost as if in reverie.
     "I was a musical prodigy. I know I never told you before, but I composed seven of the current top ten hits this week. Last night was my piano debut. I started the night with a beautiful prelude. I quickened the pace with my awesome staccato stylings. Suddenly, I realized my keys had been covered in super glue. My fingers were stuck playing a chord somewhere close to G. It would've been alright, but then I messed up with my remaining left hand, and the results were quite discordant. I could do nothing but make the same noise over and over again. It was horrible..."
     Jane interrupted him, "OK, OK, so what does this have to do with all the ketchup in here, not to mention that atrocious mess in the living room?"
     Bill thought for a moment. "I honestly can't remember...what were we talking about, again?"
     Jane rolled her eyes in disgust, letting out an equally annoyed sigh. "You're such a dork, Bill."