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Humour Page

Q logoYou know you're lagged when Q logoYou know you've been playing too long when



You know you're lagged in Quake When ...
(these are all culled from the Quake Newsgroups)

Q logo Your idea of Deathmatch is doing some funky breakdance moves before getting killed.
Q logo You program your moves into a macro so that 30 seconds later you'll actually do something useful.
Q logo You seem to have this *REALLY* strong attraction to the Volcano God.
Q logo You can't walk through a door without smacking your face on each side of the frame twice.
Q logo You have to use a different handle when you play at home so as not to mess up the fame you've accumulated playing in the office.
Q logo You get fragged anytime you try to get that bloody rocket launcher on the island in the water in the Grisly Grotto.
Q logo You have no hope of getting the nailgun on the start level because you are guaranteed to fall in the lava.
Q logo You get stuck in the moat at the castle.
Q logo You are amazed when your grenade launcher actually scores a hit and you're not damaged.
Q logo You almost feel pity while your gibbing someone who's actually worse off than you.
Q logo You see and hear every single nail that comes out of the Perforator (Super Nail Gun).
Q logo You put one of those rotating cartoon wheels on your screen to make it look like there is continuous action.
Q logo You let go of the movement arrow keys and say 'Neat, my player is possessed by the superfly girls', as you move uncontrollably.
Q logo Gravity starts to work in this order: 32 ft/sec, 0 ft/sec, 32 ft/sec, 0 ft/sec etc.
Q logo You see a rocket coming from a mile away and move 1 step before it hits.
Q logo You measure the server's update rate in 'seconds per frame'.
Q logo You find yourself taking an unguided tour of the level.
Q logo You fire a rocket and manage to hit yourself 30 seconds later.
Q logo You feel like your watching a very painful slideshow.
Q logo The rankings screen shows more action than the fight that just killed you.
Q logo You've developed heightened ESP.
Q logo You stop laughing at people who can't walk and chew gum at the same time.
Q logo You suddenly die for no apparent reason and see someone walking away.
Q logo You have macros to reach the exit on 'House of Lag' from every starting position.
Q logo After triggering said macros you can get a beer and be back in time to see if you make it to the exit without dying.
Q logo You fire a rocket at someone as they come around a corner, but they axe you to death from behind.
Q logo You wish there was an 'auto fire' to go along with 'auto-run'.
Q logo The only person you can frag has a 1000+ ping rate.
Q logo When your favoutire player name is Latent
Q logo When you manage to get a kill it's on that gravity less level in the pyramid room while you're in the air.
Q logo You've expended every grenade that you have at a player who isn't there any more.
Q logo You lose 100 health from what seems to be a single axe stroke (no quad damage),
Q logo You spend five minutes trying to line up under that torch holder so you can get armour only to have someone zip past you to get it.
Q logo You see the rocket thats about to kill you, stop right in front of your face.
Q logo Your happiest on the House of Chthon level.
Q logo You get telefragged 8 times at the start of the above level.
Q logo All you do is run up to walls and blow yourself away with rockets.
Q logo You take your finger off the shoot button and keep shooting for 30 more seconds.
Q logo You fire 25 rockets and all you manage to do is kill yourself.
Q logo Walking through doorways becomes a major ordeal.
Q logo Aim! Yeah right.
Q logo People call you a camper, but you'd move if you could.
Q logo You run around like a drunk on ice.
Q logo You have 1 frag.
Q logo You can't jump up to get the yellow armour in E1M2 without falling in the water, ever.
Q logo You can't run and jump onto the first ramp in E1M1, you always fall off the side.
Q logo Playing drunk/stoned actaully makes you BETTER!.
Q logo You see a player run down a long hallway and disappear after the first image. FORGET about trying to hit them.
Q logo You ALWAYS get telefragged because you can't move off the platform.
Q logo At night you dream of a T! connection, and running a -listen server on it.
Q logo Your Quake name is 2_MINUTE_LAG. Anybody remember how easy it was to kill me.
Q logo You create an alias to kill yourself just before someone gets an easy frag on you.
Q logo Your opponents compliment you on your innovative sacrificial tribal dances around weapons and powerups. After you're sacrificed of course.
Q logo You could easily get a Ph.D in Quake architecture with your intimate, close-up knowledge of wall composition and structure.
Q logo You realize nobody else has noticed that there are only 5 standard patterns the walls pixelate to as you walk up to them.
Q logo You turn your monitor on your side to see what the levels should look like.


Q logoTop of Page


You know you've been playing Quake too long When ...
(these are all culled from the Quake Newsgroups)

Q logo You've worn through your mouse pad, and caused friction burns to your desk.
Q logo The status bar is burnt into the screen.
Q logo You have to remind yourself to stop and clip your fingernails every now and then.
Q logo You quit church, with the explanation of "I'll just respawn".
Q logo You've actually asked the Sears rep where the nailguns are.
Q logo After being shown the nailguns, you say "No... the super nailguns!".
Q logo You try to compensate for lag, and collide with the wall on the way to the bathroom.
Q logo Neighbors watch you suspiciously as you labor many latenight hours trying to convert your leafblower into a lightning gun.
Q logo You'd sooner be shot point blank in the head by a shotgun then jump into a full swimming pool.
Q logo Almost all of your social interation occurs in #quake .
Q logo You put your wedding ring on, and for just a moment, think you're invisible.
Q logo You answer a knock on your apartment door to find two Jehovah Witnesses representatives, books of worship in hand, selling their beliefs, and you have to contain your instinct to press '7' to bring up your rocket launcher.
Q logo You are blowdrying your hair by a bathtub full of water and you have this desire to toss the blowdryer in the bathtub to see what happens.
Q logo Someone jumps on your bed as you wake up, and you think "Shit! Telefragged!"
Q logo You see a story on the news about camp grounds, they interview some people who the caption labels as campers and you instinctively want to reach for your rockets launcher.
Q logo You worry about the colors of your uniform in Quake, making sure your pants and shirts don't clash.
Q logo You find a box of nails, stuff your mouth full of em and start spitting them out thinking you're a nail gun. finally, you faint from hyperventilation.
Q logo Taking a quick peek into the lounge to make sure it is free of campers before going in to watch violent movies on TV.
Q logo You only put on a shirt in the morning if it is hovering a foot above the floor and slowly rotating.
Q logo You get fired from your construction company for you "nailgun antics".
Q logo You start walking through your house going, "Cool! 3-D!"
Q logo You go out to buy a box of nails but come home with a NIN CD.
Q logo You watch "Night of the Living Dead" and wonder why the idiots don't have a rocket launcher.


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