America Wins The WarAs much as we enjoyed not updating as a condition of our advisory position
in service to the U.S. Government during our recent war against Terrorism, we're finally
back. As a big welcome back present to ourselves, we took a break and didn't update for a
while longer. Then, we did.
12 Days of Christmas, Complaints About Return To Wolfenstein"12 Days of Christmas and Complaints About Return to Castle
Wolfenstein Week" kicks off. Moving from back
to front, we first discuss the boss monster. Spoiler alert! Unless you watched the opening
movie. For those of you who celebrate Chanukah, feel free to think of the article as "12
Days of Christmas and Chanukah Sucks".
America Under AttackWe're not gonna pussyfoot around this: Terrorists blew up the World Trade
Center. We know it and you know it, and there isn't any other topic on the planet
that amounts to much in the aftermath of it. As much as we'd like to think up some
mildly positive spin to this, such as the new possibility that we might get to see Cat
Stevens killed on live television, we can't. Frankly, it's the first explosive act
in what will probably be the end of the world. Luckily for you, unlike many stars of
stage and screen, Erik's all cried out now and there's only rage left in the parts of his
head where tears used to be. He's a gamer. That's who he is, that's what he does,
that's all he knows, and that's how he plans to avenge us all.
E3 2001Starting at the airport, where I bought a copy Daniel Evans' novel
"Glory Hole" thinking it was a tale of bravery in the trenches during World War
1, E3 turned out to be four days of constant surprises. The big shock this year?
Glory Hole is not a military term. But like the novel "Glory Hole", E3
turned out to still be pretty good. Well, I guess I've talked enough about Glory
Holes for one update, so I'll sit here quietly and just think about them while you read E3 2000 Part 2: E3 2001!
Welcome Back MessageI'll be honest with you: I don't know what happened. To make up for
our extended leave of absence, I've written a letter
of explanation that includes three or four hidden game reviews. As a further act
of contrition, I've hidden them in plain sight. The letter also includes a rap about
Black and White. Remarkably, no apology for the rap will be necessary since it's
actually "quite dope", as the Oxford-educated butler on a UPN sitcom guest
starring DMX might say.
Serious Sam: The Second InterviewSerious Sam's out. To celebrate, we've landed yet another exclusive interview with Croteam's
Roman Ribaric. In it, he once again sticks it to the Man. As usual, the Man
becomes red-faced and shakes his fist at Roman. You don't have to be against the Man
to enjoy this interview, but it helps. Continuing our long tradition of service to
the community, we've made it easier than ever for you to access the interview by providing
three points of entry. Click here, here, or here.
Freedom: First Resistance ReviewUnlike every other goddamn site, we're not going to ruin the
suspense and tell you right from the very first paragraph how we feel about a game.
Instead, we're going to state a few facts, drop a couple of subtle hints, and then only
tell you whether or not we like the game at the very end. See if you're clever - and
brave! - enough to guess our opinion... Before we even express it!
American McGee's Alice ReviewAn OMM first! In an edgy display of opinion giving, we review Gunman Chronicles, American McGee's
Alice, and a little bit of Giants. We even like one of them. Click on the word
Giants to find out which one.
Dreamcast ContestJust in time for Christmas, we're giving away a Dreamcast and five great games
and Shenmue. My goddamn back arrow key isn't working, so pretend the three
exclamation points at the end of this sentence are at the end of the previous
sentence!!! For once we thought ahead and actually had all the prize stuff in our
hands before we announced the contest.
Rune Review RebuttalElection 2000 is almost over, and once again neither candidate appears interested
in protecting my right to bear arms against fetuses. How long will it be before some
jackbooted unborn lunatic decides to try to tax my tea and, thanks to big government, I'm
left with no legal recourse? I predict eight months. Sure scientists will tell
you that there's always the partial birth abortion. That's a good plan, if I
was a scientist. Dear Nobel Prize Patrol, I can't even get the Blair Witch
2 demo to install right. How the hell am I supposed to perform a partial birth
abortion, for chrissake? I say you eggheads keep yakkin'. Me and Ms. Colt 44
Hollow Point Ornate Nickel-Plated Derringer prefer the working man's Full Magnum Abortion.
Adding to all the political uncertainty, Chet has written a scathing rebuttal of my Rune review. Great.
Just fucking great.
Rune ReviewAfter our brief summer/fall hiatus, we're back on track with more of our
patent-application-filling-out-pending long reviews. First up, Rune. While
you're probably not surprised that Erik doesn't like it, you might be surprised by the
fact that Erik doesn't like it! If you're so jaded that you're not
even surprised by bolding, you're just the kind of person we're trying to reach with the Rune review.
How To Get Rich Quick - Part 1Just because we're not as big as Something Awful doesn't mean our financial woes
are any less severe. With Chet gone on business, Erik has decided to single-handedly
solve all of our money problems. And he's convinced Bad Candy Mark to help him. Read all about it. Stay tuned all week as we report
on our progress. A lucky reader may even win ONE MILLION DOLLARS,
though not as a result of anything having to do with this article, Old Man Murray or
UGO. Please note that the article contains
never before seen word sequences mocking Daily Radar's Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask
review. Click on this dollar sign to continue: $
Death of Adventure GamesAdventure games have been dying for fifteen years. According to an article
at Gamecenter, they're now completely deceased. We spent two weeks poking the corpse
with straws to make sure it really was dead before filing this report on who killed
adventure games. Note to the United States Secret Service: We said Adventure