Hal's Rant-O-Matic©...Humor me
What a job. Like The Rock says, know your roll. What is our roll? Generally speaking, it is to provide TF/TFC related news and content. But like most other sites, we take liberties with that definitive description of our roll, and bend and mold it to suit ourselves. So instead of finding plain old dry news reporting, hopefully you will also be entertained somewhat by our attempts at making the normal news, well, interesting. Now that doesn't always happen. After all, how entertaining can you make an announcement of the forth bug fix of the third release of a two room map with a sticky door?
But that isn't the hard part really. The hard part is when you don't have a lot of news, and have to try to make something up as a filler so that there is at least something for the readers to see. And making things even more difficult, is trying to be funny, (or at the very least, entertaining), without offending anyone at the same time. Nearly an impossible task of gargantuan proportions! Unless you tell cute little dirty jokes like how the boy fell in the mud puddle. Hmmm... I wonder if the beauty salons take offense to us calling the mud they use for beauty treatments dirty? Or the concerned mother who happens to have a clumsy boy and thinks we are picking on her child for his lack of grace. Or the people experiencing a drought being mad that I am talking about a puddle of water with such careless abandon. Oh! How could I be so insensitive! I almost forgot about all the feminists who will be upset that the joke is never told with a little girl falling in the mud puddle!!!!!
You see? Actually, I think I have a pretty good grasp on what would be funny to our readers. I mean, lets face it, we all love to kill each other repeatedly with authority in our Team Fortress playing, so how offended could I possibly make you with anything I say? To sit in judgement of someone for telling an off color joke after playing as a sniper and repeatedly putting bullets in your opponents head is a bit ridiculous isn't it? Heh... Taking it a bit far aren't I? Some people take life way to seriously. Like where my wife works. They allow no holiday decorations what so ever. Because of the different religious factions who might be offended with whatever I guess. Santa is just the most offensive character I have ever seen. He can be so intimidating. Can't have that.
Well, not wanting to disappoint you all, I have to take a risk, and attempt to put something funny in here. I'll offer my neck up on the chopping block and await the ax to fall! (How Joan of Arkish of me eh?) Here is as un offensive as I can get. Wanna hear a dirty joke? A little person fell in a mud puddle. Now this was no ordinary little person. They were young. They were young because they hadn't had time to grow old yet. Someday, this person will be old, but their not old enough to be old quite yet. This person was little because they were young. Their age is directly responsible for them being little, because as most of you know, young people are almost always little. Not always, but most of the time. Maybe if they had been breast fed, they would have grown more, I don't know. Or maybe, they were breast fed, and the mother had bad eating habits, the milk was not as nutritious as it could have been, or maybe they were on city water. Who knows.
So this little child had an identity crisis you see. They didn't know if they were a boy or girl. They were afraid to ask. Their mom and dad were very protective, and censored their learning heavily. Their parents didn't want them playing with other little offensive boys and girls and picking up their bad habits. They never touched them selves or looked at them selves because they thought they heard somewhere it would make hair grow all over their bodies. And as far as they knew, only monkeys looked like that, and they were pretty sure they were not monkeys. They didn't even like bananas after all. So this child was walking along, minding their own business, when they happened across a mud puddle. The child stopped in wonder, looking at it. "I wonder where that came from?" The child thought to itself. "There is a drought going on, how careless of someone to be so wasteful with water."
So looking around some more, trying to figure this thing out, because they knew it was the right thing to do, the little person saw an old man sitting next to a tree, close to the puddle of water, with an over turned bucket. He had a mechanics jacket on with his name embroidered in a white patch on the breast pocket. The name on the jacket was Henry. "Hi." the child said. The old man looked at the child and asked him if they were a boy or girl. The child said they didn't know because their mother and father hadn't told them yet. Then the child asked the old man why he was wasting water when there were people dying of thirst from the drought. He said he wasn't wasting water, there was a hole in his bucket, and all the water leaked out while he was resting.
The child thought for a moment and told Henry that he had better patch that bucket, quit wasting water when others were dying of thirst, and to stop loitering in a public area. And that he would get the old man a straw to patch his bucket with except that his parents told him never to talk to strangers. And he told him he should clean that water up before some slips and falls in it, and sues him for all he's worth. The old man promptly pushed the child in the mud puddle and said, "No problem, the beauty salon down the street pays me a lot of money for this mud, I can afford it."
The moral to the story? If you are breast fed, make sure you are on well water, and don't stop and talk to old men with an attitude. And eat bananas, they are very good. And if you touch your self, wash your hands afterwards.....
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Not ready for prime time. Some like them, some don't. So if you want to take a look at the latest ranting of the on staff raving lunitic, you will have to come here.
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