Hal's Rant-O-Matic©...Power
Power. I love it! Even as elusive as it seems, everyone has it. The degree of power one has varies in direct proportion to their ability to use it of course. Take my car for instance. It has the ability to propel you down the road at vision blurring, gas guzzling speeds, or to strand you in the dark of night with a flat tire while your spare happens to be in the shop. Coincidence? I don't think so. How rude. My car has an evil calculating mind of it's own. I will never be convinced otherwise. How else could you explain my uncontrollable attacks on an the fossil fueled, internal combustion invention from the dark side?
Power is addictive. It feeds upon itself and the more you have, the more you want. Like our dog for instance. I have a powerfull influence over her behavior. She worships me and is obedient, and humbled by my presence. I have that effect on people. I can make people happy just by speaking to them. My wife feels that way. I am sure of it from the hysterical laughter I receive every time I command her to do something. Only my undeniable influence of power could bring such happiness to the surface. Either that or I have a funny voice.
My son is influenced by my power as well. I can tell by his attempts at using it. Like not taking the garbage to the dump until it piles up over the fence, and he can't possible manage it by himself. A manipulative tactic that he has down to an art. His mother, feeling sorry for him, feels obligated to help him, I feel obligated to help her, and thus, he doesn't have to do it all by his self. Quite clever actually. But I get back at him. Like accidentally plugging the phone into his line and making a call when he is in the middle of a game, or flipping the breaker to his bedroom real fast and causing his computer to spontaneously reboot, and then blaming it on some obscure fluctuation in the Duke Power power grid. You see, I am clever as well.
There are many ways to experience power. Stick your finger in a light socket and you'll see. Lick the end of a battery. You can assume power in a hostile take over, or feel the power of a five horse power vacuum when you place the suction tube against your arm and it sucks the skin off. The power of suggestion is a useful tool as well, though it is more commonly used as a command like this, "I suggest you raise your hands in the air and spread your legs." That command being punctuated with the aiming of a gun to your head.
The power of denial is quite commonly used as well. Mostly by woman who feel the need to torture men. We don't deserve it. We are fun loving, warm, compassionate beings who just happen to be misunderstood on a regular basis. Our good points are ignored, and our faults are exaggerated. I mean, just how much trouble is it to leave the seat up for us anyway? You try reaching down every day with a bad back after a hard days work and lifting the seat. You try bending down and taking your boots off, (with a bad back) before you walk in on the nice freshly waxed floor, taking the chance of slipping and falling and being out of work for months... With a bad back.
I feel I have so much power sometimes, I even do nice things for the fun of it. Like washing dishes or laundry. Mopping the floor or running the vacuum. Washing the windows and baking bread. How else do you think I can get the wife to go out and dig up some worms so I can go fishing? I hate those slimy things. I have her put them all on the hooks for me before I leave too. And while I am dusting furniture and feeding the animals, I have her chopping and stacking fire wood. You know men use brooms better than a woman don't you. Anything that can be used as a weapon is easy for a man to handle. I found out just how deadly a broom could be right after I walked in the house with my muddy boots and peed all over the seat. Now if I can just figure out how to sew, I could probably use that power to get her to shovel snow or something.....
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